Mean, naughty stuff in the dark
by snakesandapples
Summary: Well, well Hermione, shouldn't have eavesdropped that little chat between Snape and the Weasley twins.... Might lead you in a middle of an enormous trap. [ ONE SHOT ] WAIT! I have to say: I'M NOT ENGLISH SPEAKIN...wanna read anyway? suit yourself.


Well, as you might have read, I'm not english speaking... shame on me, I love that language.

But, It just occured me one day, that I should write something in english. Well, ok, Once you've said that, you're screwed, you barely speak english, and the vocabulary implied in english stories is beyond your own knowledge on the "thing".

I will not ask you to be pleasant and compliant with me, of course not. (Ok, I cannot say I was delighted by several reviews, altough they were written to help me improve the understanding of the story, if I 'm not mistaken...( gratgrat)) but, it was somehow fun to see that people read this story just because it's a deep mess, added to a total crap. I'm agree. It is, indeed. That's why my piece of advice is... this story is a rubbish, guys, take it as it is. Enjoy.

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Hermione Granger was on her way back to her rooms. As usual, she had been spending the night in the library, reading what Ron and Harry usually called «a hell of a rubbish stuff ». Well, she wasn't supposed to be here, as to her disappointment, she hadn't earned that Prefect stuff she has been expecting to be given. As such, she was that very night, perfectly aware of her crime.

Althouh she was very careful not to be noisy, she stood steadily while eavesdropping a conversation not far from her, from an empty classroom.

Coming closer and closer and putting her ear in the right place to have the full content of this conversation, she was flabbergasted to hear Snape, quarreling with Fred and George, no less:

-Well, you can't even say we're blackmailling you, ...

-...it's just that we know your secret and we wish to ask you a special favour...

-Don't you dare spreading the news, both of you or I'll take a thousand points... his eyes and voice were terrible, they were filled with rage, rather than angry.

-Oh shut it you jerk,...

-You do not are in position to bargain or to threat us...

-I'll tell Molly the entire thing!!! He had spit it out with an otburst of loathe.

-Wicked, he's more vicious than I thought...

-Makes me shiverin', the old git, just like Oliver, remember?

-How well... grinned George widely.

-So, What the bloody fucking hell do the both of you want??? Yelled a panic-stricken becoming Snape.

-Wow...hey calm down, take it easy... said Fred, with a satisfied look and and a broad smile.

-Yeah, whant some whiskey? Or a glass of milk, perhaps , added his brother seeing the teacher becoming redder and redder with fury

-Why the hell do you want, you silly dick...

-We want you to shag..., have a funny time with a clear-minded woman... declared a willing fred while his brother was nodding vigourously.

-WHAT? Snape was stunned and wasn't that trick that grave (they have a positively embarrasing clue of his inner secret, the most shocking one) it would have been a hell of a funny stuff, seeing the two of them, staying in front of him like perfect idiots waiting for the most sick-of-humanhood bachelor in the world to shag. What the hell had they smoke?

The whole room suddenly was filled with silence. Hermione came closer to the door, unwilling to miss anything, whatever.

-No Way... she heard the cold voice of her Potions master spread in the air and she sort of felt something in her spin.

-Oh come on, Snape, that answer would oblige us to tell anyone we meet what's your secret,... began Fred with a reluctant tone.

-Anyone, and also the concerned personn... kept George with a pervert voice that Snape seemed all of a sudden to dread.

-Out of my way!! he screamed and ran to the door where Hermione could barely move and felt strucked. As he went to the door, and intended to pass the treshold, Snape saw her and became suddenly colourless, livid, and stopped, unable to do anything anymore but waiting for the disaster to occur.

-Hermione!! What a coincidence!

-Please come and join us, we were actually having a funny chat with the _respectable _teacher staring at you.

Hermione didn't dare looking up at her teacher, and obliged herself to admire the amount of dust on the floor. During a moment the tension became unsufferable in the room, and Hermione who felt like a puppet in the hands of the twins as well as Snape, tried to breathe normally. She was convinced they were up to no good, besides they wanted him to be a sex teacher, what a strange request. Oh, God, she would hardly ever forget that night, of that she was pretty sure.

-Snape!!! It's not decent to stare at her that way... muttered Fred in a hardly convincing shocked tone.

Fred, George, what all that is that for?she asked it merely, trying not to make her voice tremble, but with all efforts.

-Figure out Hermione, we sort of were in detention with that incredible git about a week ago...

-No!! snapped the potion master.

-He was actually very tired, exhausted I daresay, for we heard, while scratching what was left of the rotten caterpillars on the tables...

-My tables are clean!!! scowled Snape

-Hey, you scathing idiot, buy you some glasses!!!! We spent about three hours cursing you for not being as sharp in your hygiene policy as you're in your absuses. Replied George with a covinced air of someone who is an expert in that stuff.

-You... began a rather humiliated man.

-Anyway, we heard him moan, and trust us, we've seen the biggest pop out ever been.

Silence like everybody is receiving the message.

-Oh my god.

-Wait, wait, the worst is to come... they said cheerfully.

-Hermione please don't listen to them, I beg you... his voice weakened, humiliated at the last degree.

-Well, you know, we discovered his secret. Murmured Fred taking a mysterious tone.

-The worst ever... continued George.

-Of, course, we couldn't resist seeing his reaction when coping with the harmful reality. We told him what we had learnt about him, and he had us drank that stupid potion.

-Blah... Fred was just making the most awful face he could. « That was nearly a crime. Be he had his wand with him... And we must admit we can't stand against him, as soon as he gets a wand...»

-However, no wonder where is it now, do we? The twins did their best to show Hermione they were proud of having taken Snape's wand, in order not him to defend himself.

-Oh my gosh what the hell have you done guys?cried Hermione. « It's just the most unwise and unfair trick you 've ever done there... »

-Oh for god's sake, Hermione, this guy forced us to drink a potion on purpose, knowing exactly to what point this affair would lead us. I mean, we're the Weasley twins, blimey, it's not a common gift knowing how to put up a mess, right?

-... And worst, you don't know yet what was his secret, it's odd, insane, disgusting!!!!

-Yeah, we must say, is the most vicious guy ever...

They sort of mustered their memories sceptically as to verify the truth of their saying. Hermione during that time came to glance her teacher, silently asking:

-What the hell did you give them?

He moved his lips without a noise, and eventually smiled in a strange way as if being proud of the trick:

-Love Potion.

Hey what are you saying? Asked George angrily, after having noticed with an evident embarrassment how mused they were, speaking wordless to each other, excluding the twins from their little freak.

- Who did you fall in love with? Asked Hermione, trying very hard to prevent an outburst of laughing.

The both of them looked at each other, sighing, and glancing briefly at their smirking teacher. Then they released it:

-MacGonagall...

There it was, Hermione couldn't help but to sink and laugh loudly. The Weasley twins... MacGonagall...

-Hey, don't make fun of it, you're in too, I mean, you're actually in a dodgy situation, so come on, take it easy.

-I'm sorry but... How did she react ? Although a little bit worried about their reply, she was still giggling, making her poor teacher smile anyway.

-Bugger, Hermione, how would she react? They had said it with half-desperate and half-upset faces.

-Well, to be honest, she sort of... made a deal with us... Caus' you know, we were so... wanting her, thanks to that sonuvabitch...

-Fifty points from Gryffindor for insulting a teacher!!! yelled Snape, visibly hurt by the word.

-Come on little git, with what we know, you could be taken a hundred and fifty points for...

-so what was the deal? Questionned Hermione, unwilling to go further on the knowledge of the Potions Master's little dirty secret.

George smiled, but his smile actually fell off of his face as he looked at his teacher:

-She said that if we ever had the chance to have Snape shagged with someone sane in this castle, she would accord us a devoted love, rather eventful.

-Oh, that's disgusting, guys!!!! declared Hermione .

-No, as a matter of fact,...

-... She was kidding...

-...We assume! Certified George.

-... While betting this with us...

-...Anyways, why would she do that? I mean, she could have found out anything else, but that?Everyone looked up as Hermione fell silent, and everyone in the classroom was staring at her face, mainly showing wondering and disgust.

-... I actually had an argument with her... It was Snape who was answering the question, and he felt, as it seemed, rather uncomfortable, not knowing exactly why he did that.

-... Wow, here he comes... muttered Fred.

-Oh! Shut up Fred, will you? Snapped Hermione.

But Severus was keeping talking, no matter what the twins said:

-She just told me one day, in the middle of an amount of stupid teachers that she has always wondered how did I... he looked with a sharp eye the three of them before sighing and saying:

-How did I have my orgasm while having sex.

-She 's a brilliant ass that witch! certified George very proudly.

-George!! Keep your tongue in your mouth! Hermione told him off.

- Then, I replied that, as for me, I didn't care, as I knew for quite long that she didn't have any sex life anymore.

-Hell of a reply.

-mione, will you shut up? Asked with a fake anger the both of them.

They all paused, feeling tensed, but waiting for someone to talk, perhapes to prevent the situation from worsening.

-.. So... began Hermione, awkwardfully, What do we do, now?

I think I just have a great idea. Fred's voice was unnaturally calm and unshaken. In fact, as the girl met his eyes she just knew what was the next thing they would try to talk her into doing.

No way... she said, emphasizing evryword in order to make her position clear.

Look Hermione, you just have to ... enjoy yourself with him... tried Geroge in a very very clumsy way. Both Snape and Hermione looked at him with horror readable on their faces.

Look, we are very in a want of MacGonagall because of you, Snape, so what we're doing know is to lock you up here with Hermione until you had sex...

Snape seemed to think very quickly, then answered:

Yes, at one condition...

What? Gasped Hermione, her eyes widened with astonishment.

...No word ever about my secret, especially to the concerned personn.

The twins responded to that bargain by pointing their wands toward Hermione and say « _Accio wand_ ». Instantly Hermione yelled:

No, wait!! Wait!! Fred! George!! I'm gonna tell your mother you... Damn it!!

Our word on that. You defenitely are...going to have a good night!!! they giggled and left making sure to lock the door behind them.

Hermione didn't move, she would barely say anything, trying not to panic, her teacher within a few meters from her, she kew staring at her to do something, something, anything that couyd mean that the bargain he had made was formally accepted as not being a rape.

Then, after a while:

Hermione?

Oh, I see, in the everyday life, when you were so self-assured and didn't need anyone, you could afford despising me, but that's over and now you even call me by my name, a shame, really... How heart-wrenching it must be for you!!

Hermione... he had made a few steps toward her.

... Oh! I get the point, you are ready to rape a student only because you fear your secret might spread amongst the world otherwise. Lovely. Personnaly, I assume that if you weren't too harsh with your students, they wouldn't even care about your secret life.

He kept approaching her and was reaching her, staying away from her intentionnaly by only a few centimeters, so that she could hear his breathing, feel his presence, and even the air he breathed out in her hair. She was determined not to give in and was still mad at him :

What about my opinion anyway, You don't even care, do you? You don't have any twinges of conscience taking my virginity by the rules of a stupid bargain, do you? Thinking that after all you're the teacher and more powerfull, able to have me follow you in that crap, by will or by force...

She turned back and found herself in front of him:

You really disgust me. She said that in a soft cold voice, that could nothing but hurting him.

He suddenly felt ashamed, but he couldn't help, he caught her lips with his, and although Hermione tried to escape at first, she soon fell in his arms, not knowing why. He pushed violently against the wall and was finally surprised to fell that Hermione, that very girl he was kissing, was deepening the kiss and even caressed his hair with something that seemed like passion. Unbuttonig her shirt, he kissed her breasts, and the taking of Hermione's virginty has begun. Of course, it ended up with a gigantic orgasm, from the both of them, not quite at the same time, though.

And they silently slid along the wall unable to stand up anymore, searching for air. They rested there, without talking, half-naked, almost in a religious silence, looking endlessly at each other, not blinking, not able to do anything else but discover the other for the first time.

After several hours, he spoke to her, shyly though:

You want to know what my secret was?

Bring it on...

I often dream that I make love to you in the kitchens.

What? She smirked... Oh, but I think we can manage to find the kitchens, can't we?

He smiled back at her, and merely took her in his overhelming arms.

THE END

Epilogue...

Harry, this is weird, you know I woke up this mornig and I had the strange feeling that something had occured...

Look, Ron, I don't know what you're talking about... I can feel no real change.

You are definetely rock blinded. Hermione couldn't stop going in the kitchens that morning, at every classes, she kept repeating it like a leitmotiv: « I must go to the kitchens, I'm so hungry... ». Then, I don't know, but it seems to me like Fred and George were killed because they have vanished. No one has seen them from this morning. Except I heard their voices.. well... roaring not too long ago near an useless cupboard. I think they might have get ghosts after all. Oh, and talking about vanishing, MacGonagall is unseeable since this mornig as well. How weird. Don't you thnk so?

Well, we 're at Hogwart, aren't we? This would sound pretty breathtaking to find something out there that would be truly and deeply logical, right?


End file.
